I was volunteering at a friend's project earlier and I feel like he might be sending me signs? I don't know. I can never tell when someone is hitting on me, especially him. The main concerns are that I helped him through realizing he wasn't straight and his first relationship as well as the fact that when I met his ex, we both agreed that we had a startling amount of things in common, especially physically. Back when I was helping him through his last relationship he said and did a few things that raised a few concerns but I always dismissed them because he was asking me for help about another guy. But now he's been single for months and he's got a bad habit of asking out just about anyone without putting too much effort into getting to know them first. He's not ugly or anything but I don't think he would get along with my friends and I'm worried that if he asked me out I would say yes because he's interested in me, not because I'm interested in him.
Basically as long as I can remember, I haven’t been able to tell the difference between wanting to be someone's friend, wanting to look like them, or genuinely being attracted to someone. This is particularly difficult because physical attraction and romantic attraction are different and I care far more about personality than looks. To make everything worse, I also have a really hard time distinguishing between liking a person vs the attention they give me so I end up “falling” for anyone that's interested in me. I don't know. I hope I'm just imagining things.
I just got an email from the teacher in charge of my poetry club inviting me to perform my poem at an event commemorating the Altadena fires. I have a horrible fear of public speaking but I feel like this is an opportunity I shouldn’t pass up. Ever since I started working I’ve had a lot less time to do things I enjoy and I just feel like this is a great way to acknowledge the time and effort I put into other aspects of my life outside of academics. Even though it was really startling to get that email, I'm happy that she liked my poem enough to submit it for me.
On an entirely separate note though, the lausd walkouts have just been so frustrating. I understand people are fighting for immigrants who aren’t being protected but walking out of schools that are actively trying to protect us won't get us anywhere. LAUSD is not cooperating with ICE and has lawyers to try and help people defend themselves. I can't even count the amount of times I've had to hear about my rights because of LAUSD’s policies. While I understand that when we walk out of schools it helps build larger crowds because of peer pressure, fomo, and people just generally not wanting to be in school but these larger crowds aren’t necessarily worth it. As a result of a lot of these kids not genuinely caring about the movement, a lot of kids just go home or hang out with friends instead of protesting. On top of that, you end up with rowdier crowds that act out in ways that are much easier to villainize. While people will find a way to villainize protesters regardless, we should still do our best to give them as little ammunition as possible and biting the hand that feeds us won't do us any favors.
The easiest people to control are the ones who aren’t educated. When kids actively avoid getting an education, they are only hurting themselves. A girl in my 2nd period wanted to organize protests but she’s also failing multiple classes, spends all period on her phone, and couldn’t spell knowledge or neighborhood. Making a change is infinitely harder when you are less educated. Additionally, a ton of these kids' parents were immigrants that faced innumerable hardships to try and give them a better life only for them to actively avoid an education. I fear this rise in anti-intellectualism and normalized stupidity, especially since it will only get worse with the rise of AI. People are working towards their own downfall and making themselves more susceptible to being controlled. I don’t know anymore honestly, I'm just always so tired.
I haven't checked the news yet, not properly. I know there are a lot of protections where I live but this could genuinely seriously affect my livelihood. I already can't visit half the country for prolonged periods of time and I know that it's only going to get worse. I know I just laugh it off but I'm honestly so scared. I've just been acting as if i'm not home yet I guess. I know I'm not in the middle of buttfuck nowhere anymore but I still can't bring myself to do anything. I feel like if I start doing my homework it'll be like accepting the fact that I'm no longer in the desert, I have shit to do, and the world is still going to keep on going, whether I'm ready for it or not.
Situations like these are what enforce my idea that true societal and governmental change will not happen democratically. Not when politicians line their pockets with billionaires, not when gerrymandering is common practice, not when all the politicians are senile and honestly far too old to have complete control over their own taxes, not to mention an entire fucking country. All of these rich old white bastards are one and the same, they all have antiquated values and worldviews, they all paid their way out of the draft, and all they care about is power, money, and those in their inner circle. They don't care about the rest of us, we are nothing but pawns.
I know I'm reverting a bit back to the way I used to be a few years back, but when I'm being used as a scapegoat by conservatives worldwide, I don't see how I could react with anything but anger. I'm not going back and I will not be a martyr. Fuck this shit, fuck this country, and fuck my spanish teacher for giving me so much god damn fucking homework on a three day weekend.
This past week has been so stressful. I've been so anxious and I know that's normal but it's still frustrating. I'm having such a hard time focusing and being productive too. We got an extra 2 days off but they really don't feel good at all. I think this is the worst four day weekend I've ever had. I know I need to be kind to myself because this is a stressful situation but it's just so hard. I feel like I'm wasting time. I feel like I should be doing more to help but I just don't know what I can do. I don't have much I can donate since I don't have very many clothes in the first place and the vast majority of my clothes are second hand already, heavily customized, or so well loved that even goodwill probably wouldn't want them. I see how much Zee has been helping and I just feel so guilty about it. I think I want to change my eagle project to being about reconstruction or fire relief but I have no idea how to help. Well, I'm sure the idea will present itself, I'm sure there are a ton of places suggesting ideas too.
I can still see thick clouds of smoke outside my window. I was outside for a little while yesterday since I was planting some bulbs and my lungs hurt by the time I went back inside. There was ash on the back of my hands and all over the floor too. I think this is the closest we'll get to snow in LA.
I don't know what it is that always prevents me from starting things on the first day of the year. I don't know what it is that makes me long for how things were in the early 2000's -2010's. I wasn't even alive for the peak of blogging anyways. Late last night, or even early this morning I was searching for song lyrics for "It's sunday april 19th and I miss you" when I stumbled on flatsounds website. I really love the way it's structured, it really feels like those older websites with the way you're almost searching for answers. I don't know anything really about coding so I couldn't do anything like that yet but I really want to make something like that one day. I hope that through these entries I can better keep myself accountable and stick to my goals.
I've been having such a hard time with motivation and procrastination. I finally have my room back but I still find myself getting lost in things I don't enjoy. There is literally no excuse for spending 20 minutes exploring the microsoft weather website. I want to accomplish so much in so little time it's so stressful. I want to work on independent study for my AP classes, get started on my eagle project, get the two noa badges, explore my area, stay physically active, work on art pieces, explore music, make a blog, read more, and just relax and i just can't do everything at once. It's so hard to accept that I cannot accomplish everything but I know that if I don't I'll burn myself out and I won't get enough rest to push through next semester.
My biggest priorities now that I only have a few days left of break are to finish making the summaries for AP Spanish Lit, finish Unit 7 and half of 8 for AP Environmental, read almost all of 100 years of solitude, reach out again to the Theodore Paine foundation, explore my area a bit, and make some more progress on my patch pants so I don't end up with a hole in my pants.
If I by some miracle end up with extra time I would want to make more progress on unit 8 for apes, Unit 8 for Spanish Lit, the busywork for geocaching mb, make some poetry, read books for fun, and try to make a better blog.
I think I need to remind myself that I'll have more opportunities to do all of these things and that it's ok to do things gradually. I still have spring break to cram for my AP tests and a few weekends and sparknotes to finish 100 years of solitude. I can also always get the audio book. I also need to remember that I still need rest. A bit less than two years ago I was in a residential facility and if I want to maintain my sanity and my gpa, I need to rest. I can’t do everything and stay mentally ok. If I let my mental health slip, everything can go to shit. I'm not willing to lose everything this close to graduation and I'm sure as hell never stepping foot in hillsides ever again.
I don't know if my future entries will be this long in the future or how frequently I'll be doing this but I hope that this will at least help me.