I finally went through and dithered all of the photos on my site and it’s such an interesting process. To be entirely honest, I barely know what I’m doing but it looks cool. I’ve been doing a lot of guessing and checking but oh well, I can always change it later once I have more experience with dithering. I’ve been really focused on trying to move away from spotify and getting all of my playlists onto cd’s and my mp3 player but oh my god it takes soooo much time. I guess this is the consequence for having so many playlists and listening to such a wide variety of music/genres but it’s not like I’m gonna abandon some of my music because it’s annoying to transfer. It’ll save money in the long term though, switching away from Spotify. I don’t want to keep paying for premium forever and it’s not like Spotify is a particularly benevolent corporation either. They don’t pay their artists, they barely care about their customers, and have recently dropped a ton of their employees and made the move to AI and the spotify wrapped sucked ass as a result. I also heard that they’ve been thinking about making an even higher tier of premium and I refuse to give them any more money. The only thing Spotify has going for it is convenience, and its end of year summaries. I’m on summer break so I have time to transfer everything into mp3 files so convenience will be redundant soon and now that they’ve switched to AI the spotify wrappeds suck so they honestly have nothing going for them anymore. I guess spotify is the most socially acceptable music listening app but I've never really cared and I’m not going to start now.
Speaking of AI, I hate the fact that its usage is becoming so normalized. I have such a deep hatred for AI it makes it genuinely difficult to be friends with people who use it religiously. I genuinely don’t think I can be close friends with someone who understands all of the negative consequences of AI and still uses it instead of googling a question or to write an email or some other bullshit. I don’t understand why people have been switching to asking AI instead of googling, something that saves like maybe 5 seconds and now you don’t know your sources or their credibility. And then there’s all of the downright evil shit associated with the rise of AI. To train AI these different companies stole millions of dollars worth of content online. People’s passion projects, livelihoods, essays, novels, books, etc. for fucks sake someone even stole a shit ton of content off of Ao3 to trian their AI. And this aspect doesn’t even touch on the massive environmental repercussions. I genuinely don’t think there are enough words out there to describe my deep hatred for it. It’s the same with fast fashion, the popularization of overconsumption, and an overreliance on getting shit delivered but this entry is already really long and I unfortunately have things to do today.
I’ve been really struggling with productivity recently and it’s such a difficult cycle to break out of. I think I’m finally breaking out of it, but staying up really late one night can throw off like the next three days easily. Going to sleep late means waking up late, which means starting your daily tasks late, which means staying up late again to catch up. To make matters worse, I've been really struggling with self restraint in relation to quick dopamine fixes like doomscrolling online, which wastes sooo much time. I’ve made harsher restrictions for myself in terms of things I can do on my phone and what I can do on my phone so lets hope I actually follow it this time.
On a similar note, I think my nightmares are getting worse again. Every dream I have is a nightmare, but some dreams are worse than others. I woke up this morning feeling really scared and I couldn’t shake it for at least an hour. I tend to struggle to remember exactly what happened, but that's not really rare when it comes to dreams. What is weird though, is that I have been playing so much stardew valley and consuming so much stardew valley related content that the villagers have been showing up in most of my dreams recently. For reference, I have like 21 hours played in the last two weeks and almost 200 hours since I started playing in like January or something. On top of the stardew valley characters, a guy I was really into for a while two years ago keeps showing up too. To be fair, a girl I had an art class with a year or two back that I maybe spoke to 5 times was also in my dream last night so I guess showing up in my nightmares doesn’t really have anything to do with how much I think about someone.
Also, to quickly follow up a previous entry, the scores were released for the AP tests and I got a 4 for both APES and AP Spanish Literature! A friend of mine that had the same APES teacher got a 1 despite the fact that she put so much effort into that class so I guess all my independent study really paid off.
I’ll be going to a 4th barbeque in an hour with some family friends but the fact that we are still family friends with these people is a miracle. At this point, I'm friends with their oldest daughter and I know their youngest. My sister is like, best friends with their oldest and very close with their youngest, and my dad is really close with their dad. The thing is, I used to be “friends” with their oldest in like, 2021. The problem was that I had really bad jealousy issues over a mutual friend of ours that I was lowkey in love with. There were also a few miscommunications but I ended up having a huge fight with our mutual friend and I didn’t really speak to either of them for like two years. I spoke to the one I didn’t fight with sooner but it was always really awkward and normally a result of having to talk to her. I was over the fight like a month afterwards but you know how teens are, I was convinced they still hated me and I was still deeply in love with her and too scared to try and talk to her. By some miracle, my sister ended up becoming really close friends with the girl I didn’t fight with, and the person I did fight with by proxy. As a result, she was able to see that neither of us still hated the other and convinced us to actually speak to each other again. Anyways, the person I fought with is basically my closest friend again so thank god for my sister. I’m pretty confident I’m over her romantically but then again I’ve always been terrible at distinguishing romantic and platonic emotions.
But that’s a topic for another time so for now I’m listening to 2000’s/2010’s pop punk or whatever the hell fob and paremore are.
I’ve started to develop more of a rhythm with the summer now and I’ve been fixing my sleep schedule too. I feel like my biggest struggle is really scrolling, especially on insta. I feel like the worst part is 90% of the time I’m not enjoying myself. I well and truly hate that app, the only reason I’ve kept it for so long is for social purposes. It's the easiest way to keep up with people and since I refuse to download discord it’s my best bet for keeping in touch with friends after they graduate. I wish there was a feature where you could disable reels but unfortunately that would cost meta far too much money. I don’t understand how hours just disappear the second I open that stupid app. I guess what I really need to work on is self restraint. I have been falling behind with the things I need to do that are less artistic but I mean, it’s not that bad. Plus, it's literally summer break aka the time to relax and screw around. I refuse to continue to put academics above all when I’m not even in school.
I went out with my sister recently to finally invest in more clothes and I feel like second hand stores forget that they’re second hand wayyy too much now. I started off at goodwill in the land of two dollar t-shirts which is a price you really won't find anywhere else where i’m at. I got two shirts, one of which I’ll be sharing with my sister alongside a gift for my mom and I had a grand total of 10 dollars. Afterwards I went to a different second hand store which is far more curated to be fair but the prices were still absolutely absurd. I’m pretty sure that they pay for their donations which means that things will be more expensive but why on earth was a belt $100?? On top of that, I was looking through the different t-shirts and I swear to god there were a couple in the like $50 dollar range. I know there are some nice brands and whatnot here but why on earth is a second hand shirt so expensive?? The hoodies were even worse and I was too scared to look at the jeans. I ended up getting a long sleeve shirt and another t-shirt which was half off and it was still soooo much more expensive. I appreciate that they’re helping make sure that more clothes stay out of landfills and are helping contribute to sustainability and whatnot but dear lord are some of their prices ridiculous. I don’t care if the original price was egregious, that's on the original purchaser for thinking buying moon boots was a good idea. I don’t know, maybe I’m just too stingy but I’m honestly terrified for the jumpscare that will be going to a first hand store.
The school year finally ended about a week or so ago and thank god it did. I do feel a bit bad that I haven’t been updating this site but I honestly had no time. Especially with work and testing, it was just non stop cramming and homework. AP scores won’t come out till the 7th and I’m so stressed about it. I’m really hoping for fours this year but the tests seemed so easy that it makes me wonder if there's a chance I got fives. I really don’t want to get my hopes up though so for now I guess I’ll just pray that I passed.
I didn’t really do all that much last week but I’m trying a new method to keep track of time and what I need to get done so hopefully I can get back on track. There are things I need to do but more than anything else I want to really focus on making art and indulging in my hobbies. I have a habit of putting academics above everything else, including taking care of myself so I’m hoping to catch up on everything I gave up over the school year. I have so many different projects that I want to do and have been wanting to do for so long. It’s so refreshing to actually get sleep and actually have time to play games I enjoy and work on non-accademic stuff. A couple of friends have birthdays coming up and it's really pushed me to indulge in my different hobbies. It feels great to be staying up painting again, I hadn’t realized just how much I missed this.
I was volunteering at a friend's project earlier and I feel like he might be sending me signs? I don't know. I can never tell when someone is hitting on me, especially him. The main concerns are that I helped him through realizing he wasn't straight and his first relationship as well as the fact that when I met his ex, we both agreed that we had a startling amount of things in common, especially physically. Back when I was helping him through his last relationship he said and did a few things that raised a few concerns but I always dismissed them because he was asking me for help about another guy. But now he's been single for months and he's got a bad habit of asking out just about anyone without putting too much effort into getting to know them first. He's not ugly or anything but I don't think he would get along with my friends and I'm worried that if he asked me out I would say yes because he's interested in me, not because I'm interested in him.
Basically as long as I can remember, I haven’t been able to tell the difference between wanting to be someone's friend, wanting to look like them, or genuinely being attracted to someone. This is particularly difficult because physical attraction and romantic attraction are different and I care far more about personality than looks. To make everything worse, I also have a really hard time distinguishing between liking a person vs the attention they give me so I end up “falling” for anyone that's interested in me. I don't know. I hope I'm just imagining things.
I just got an email from the teacher in charge of my poetry club inviting me to perform my poem at an event commemorating the Altadena fires. I have a horrible fear of public speaking but I feel like this is an opportunity I shouldn’t pass up. Ever since I started working I’ve had a lot less time to do things I enjoy and I just feel like this is a great way to acknowledge the time and effort I put into other aspects of my life outside of academics. Even though it was really startling to get that email, I'm happy that she liked my poem enough to submit it for me.
On an entirely separate note though, the lausd walkouts have just been so frustrating. I understand people are fighting for immigrants who aren’t being protected but walking out of schools that are actively trying to protect us won't get us anywhere. LAUSD is not cooperating with ICE and has lawyers to try and help people defend themselves. I can't even count the amount of times I've had to hear about my rights because of LAUSD’s policies. While I understand that when we walk out of schools it helps build larger crowds because of peer pressure, fomo, and people just generally not wanting to be in school but these larger crowds aren’t necessarily worth it. As a result of a lot of these kids not genuinely caring about the movement, a lot of kids just go home or hang out with friends instead of protesting. On top of that, you end up with rowdier crowds that act out in ways that are much easier to villainize. While people will find a way to villainize protesters regardless, we should still do our best to give them as little ammunition as possible and biting the hand that feeds us won't do us any favors.
The easiest people to control are the ones who aren’t educated. When kids actively avoid getting an education, they are only hurting themselves. A girl in my 2nd period wanted to organize protests but she’s also failing multiple classes, spends all period on her phone, and couldn’t spell knowledge or neighborhood. Making a change is infinitely harder when you are less educated. Additionally, a ton of these kids' parents were immigrants that faced innumerable hardships to try and give them a better life only for them to actively avoid an education. I fear this rise in anti-intellectualism and normalized stupidity, especially since it will only get worse with the rise of AI. People are working towards their own downfall and making themselves more susceptible to being controlled. I don’t know anymore honestly, I'm just always so tired.
I haven't checked the news yet, not properly. I know there are a lot of protections where I live but this could genuinely seriously affect my livelihood. I already can't visit half the country for prolonged periods of time and I know that it's only going to get worse. I know I just laugh it off but I'm honestly so scared. I've just been acting as if i'm not home yet I guess. I know I'm not in the middle of buttfuck nowhere anymore but I still can't bring myself to do anything. I feel like if I start doing my homework it'll be like accepting the fact that I'm no longer in the desert, I have shit to do, and the world is still going to keep on going, whether I'm ready for it or not.
Situations like these are what enforce my idea that true societal and governmental change will not happen democratically. Not when politicians line their pockets with billionaires, not when gerrymandering is common practice, not when all the politicians are senile and honestly far too old to have complete control over their own taxes, not to mention an entire fucking country. All of these rich old white bastards are one and the same, they all have antiquated values and worldviews, they all paid their way out of the draft, and all they care about is power, money, and those in their inner circle. They don't care about the rest of us, we are nothing but pawns.
I know I'm reverting a bit back to the way I used to be a few years back, but when I'm being used as a scapegoat by conservatives worldwide, I don't see how I could react with anything but anger. I'm not going back and I will not be a martyr. Fuck this shit, fuck this country, and fuck my spanish teacher for giving me so much god damn fucking homework on a three day weekend.
This past week has been so stressful. I've been so anxious and I know that's normal but it's still frustrating. I'm having such a hard time focusing and being productive too. We got an extra 2 days off but they really don't feel good at all. I think this is the worst four day weekend I've ever had. I know I need to be kind to myself because this is a stressful situation but it's just so hard. I feel like I'm wasting time. I feel like I should be doing more to help but I just don't know what I can do. I don't have much I can donate since I don't have very many clothes in the first place and the vast majority of my clothes are second hand already, heavily customized, or so well loved that even goodwill probably wouldn't want them. I see how much Zee has been helping and I just feel so guilty about it. I think I want to change my eagle project to being about reconstruction or fire relief but I have no idea how to help. Well, I'm sure the idea will present itself, I'm sure there are a ton of places suggesting ideas too.
I can still see thick clouds of smoke outside my window. I was outside for a little while yesterday since I was planting some bulbs and my lungs hurt by the time I went back inside. There was ash on the back of my hands and all over the floor too. I think this is the closest we'll get to snow in LA.
I don't know what it is that always prevents me from starting things on the first day of the year. I don't know what it is that makes me long for how things were in the early 2000's -2010's. I wasn't even alive for the peak of blogging anyways. Late last night, or even early this morning I was searching for song lyrics for "It's sunday april 19th and I miss you" when I stumbled on flatsounds website. I really love the way it's structured, it really feels like those older websites with the way you're almost searching for answers. I don't know anything really about coding so I couldn't do anything like that yet but I really want to make something like that one day. I hope that through these entries I can better keep myself accountable and stick to my goals.
I've been having such a hard time with motivation and procrastination. I finally have my room back but I still find myself getting lost in things I don't enjoy. There is literally no excuse for spending 20 minutes exploring the microsoft weather website. I want to accomplish so much in so little time it's so stressful. I want to work on independent study for my AP classes, get started on my eagle project, get the two noa badges, explore my area, stay physically active, work on art pieces, explore music, make a blog, read more, and just relax and i just can't do everything at once. It's so hard to accept that I cannot accomplish everything but I know that if I don't I'll burn myself out and I won't get enough rest to push through next semester.
My biggest priorities now that I only have a few days left of break are to finish making the summaries for AP Spanish Lit, finish Unit 7 and half of 8 for AP Environmental, read almost all of 100 years of solitude, reach out again to the Theodore Paine foundation, explore my area a bit, and make some more progress on my patch pants so I don't end up with a hole in my pants.
If I by some miracle end up with extra time I would want to make more progress on unit 8 for apes, Unit 8 for Spanish Lit, the busywork for geocaching mb, make some poetry, read books for fun, and try to make a better blog.
I think I need to remind myself that I'll have more opportunities to do all of these things and that it's ok to do things gradually. I still have spring break to cram for my AP tests and a few weekends and sparknotes to finish 100 years of solitude. I can also always get the audio book. I also need to remember that I still need rest. A bit less than two years ago I was in a residential facility and if I want to maintain my sanity and my gpa, I need to rest. I can’t do everything and stay mentally ok. If I let my mental health slip, everything can go to shit. I'm not willing to lose everything this close to graduation and I'm sure as hell never stepping foot in hillsides ever again.
I don't know if my future entries will be this long in the future or how frequently I'll be doing this but I hope that this will at least help me.